she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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