You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
