the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
