the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
