I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
