My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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