I like to think it a success when the cops are called
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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