I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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