dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
birth control should be required to get into college
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
