Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
