last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
