First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
