Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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