dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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