the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
