i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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