Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
