put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
