You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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