I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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