Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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