Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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