if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
