wanna go halves on a baby?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
