Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
