Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
