The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
