I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
