We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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