She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
