it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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