if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
