Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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