This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
