I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
