you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
