The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I love having hate sex.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Randomize
