Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
