I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
