omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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