This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
my poor anus
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
