R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
