you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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