I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
