Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
do herpes really smell.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
