Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
