i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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