I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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