someone threw a dead crab at me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
