My friends, they love my intelligence
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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